UNDERSTAND THE WOMAN AND HER MOOD
Regardless of whether you are married or not, it is helpful to know and understand what contributes to a woman’s sexual desire. Many women and men are not aware of what is happening on the emotional level and in the body of a woman during sex and therefore often cannot take a strong and encouraging position.
There are a few things that can affect a woman’s sexual desire:
- The emotional connection to your spouse.
- Your beliefs about sex.
- Good or bad past experiences.
- Phases of life.
- What you’ve been taught about sex.
- Feelings – depression, fear, self-loathing, shame, joy, love, acceptance, peace.
In the beginning, it is important to talk about the core idea and what sex is basically about: connection, intimacy and love. Sex is designed to create a safe place for both and thus the opportunity to be fully present mentally, to make yourself vulnerable and to give yourself fully to the other. If sex is a beautiful part of the connection with your spouse and is not just about having an orgasm, your heart and emotions can crave it even if your body does not want sex due to hormones.
Hormones have a significant impact on your sexuality. When I preach about sex, I always make sure to talk about hormones too. Not everyone is aware of the fact that these can affect sexuality. Hormones, among other factors, are responsible for triggering sexual desire – and the hormonal balance in women is constantly changing. The household changes fundamentally every 7-10 years, and there are also monthly fluctuations. Knowing how your body works can help you better understand your sex life. I found out that there are sections of the cycle during which my body is enthusiastic about sex and it’s easy to get an orgasm. Then again there are times when I don’t feel like having sex or have an orgasm at all. As mentioned earlier, there are so many things that can affect your sexual desire. Since I consciously perceive my body, I sometimes find that everything fits perfectly – except my hormones. There are those moments in sex when you know you won’t get an orgasm and that’s okay! Simply because it’s hormonal, you don’t need to give room for thoughts like “My husband doesn’t satisfy me”, “Something is wrong with our sex life” or “He doesn’t know what to do”. Your body may just not be producing enough hormones for an orgasm at these times.
Hormones affect the level and intensity of your sexual desire. Sometimes my husband kisses me and I just don’t feel anything, on other days all my hormones are ready to go. It is a hormonal response. During ovulation I would like to have sex – immediately. But if he doesn’t want to at the moment, it’s harder for me than at any other time of the month because there are so many hormones floating around in my body. Do you struggle with your desire for sex about once a month? This is your body. This is not a fundamental problem, but your body telling you, “I have to father a child now.” Sometimes my husband does things that feel really good during the foreplay and when he does the same things during another part of the cycle. I don’t feel anything or I don’t like it. Then he thinks he’s doing something wrong, but it.
Sex is a matter of relationship. The beauty that I find in all of this is that sex is based on relationship rather than using a magic trick that is guaranteed to work every time. One can also see God in this way: either in the context of a relationship or within the framework of a series of rules that must be followed. People want rules and systems from religion so that they don’t have to be present themselves. Things look different with sex, because our bodies do not tick exactly the same way every day: we have to be fully present mentally and physically and bring ourselves into it. It is important to find out what is going on in our body – this should be a daily process of discovery. Men can either approach the topic with the thought “I will never understand” or choose to consider it an exciting secret that they can rediscover over and over again.
Most sex problems are communication problems. Women should know their bodies well so that they can give their husbands tips on what feels good where and when – like an insightful treasure map. Men often feel as if they have no clues as to how to steer their wife in which direction. Women often say: “If I have to give you a map and directions, then you don’t love me, you don’t care about me and it certainly isn’t romantic.” If a woman has the expectation that her husband has to at all times knowing what she likes will result in disappointment. Such situations will feel like defeat to her husband, which will also result in disappointment. Women think that communicating wishes or dislikes diminishes their appeal and is not particularly romantic – but the opposite is the case! It is important to get rid of the thought that communication is bad. Maybe you can say something like, “Hey, it doesn’t feel that good, can you try this out?” Make him some suggestions. To all men: if your women say something in this direction, do not let shame take over you. Do not withdraw, but think: “Oh, really good, it gives me hints for the treasure map, that’s awesome!”
A real sex life looks different than in the cinema. One of the biggest problems with sex is the unspoken expectations of what sex should be like. We never see in films how the female hormone balance affects sexual desire. It is never shown when women have a lot or little desire or whether you need lubricant or not. This is another part of our body that is hormone controlled during sex: the level of moisture. Over the course of the cycle you will naturally have more or less cervical mucus. The media tell you that you feel like it when you are wet. Even if that can be the case, that’s not always the reason, because the vaginal fluid that is present is closely linked to your cycle.
Pressure kills lust and joy. Nothing that he does has the desired success? This can be due to your hormones – start doing it because of him. When I cut onions, I cry and these tears trigger the reaction that I get sad. Sensory perception evokes an emotional reaction. By analogy, I can also engage in sex more than I feel like it. I’m not saying that you should fake orgasms, but choosing to be more active than what you feel at the moment. Getting involved in sex again and again can actually spark the craving for it.
If sex is a challenge for you, you never feel like it or your actually healthy sexual desire has been lost, our recommendation is always that you seek advice. Perhaps there are certain triggers for this or topics that affect your heart and your inner self. It can also be very valuable to have your hormone balance checked by a doctor to rule out any disorders in this area. And a little side note: hormones, feelings, what you think about sex, etc. can influence a man’s sexual desire as much as that of a woman.